We met on Bumble.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking.

I didn’t think it would work either; I didn’t think it would last. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even think it would develop into anything, let alone anything serious.

To give you some context, I had gone out on a few first dates with guys I had met on that site. It was a failure. Most were not looking for anything serious or wanted to “take things slow.” *insert eye roll*

However, my encounter with Dre was different. The first time I saw that he tried to match with me, I went over his profile. A few things got my attention, he was a Cal State Fullerton student, liked rap, was 32 years old, AND had tons of freckles!

My first thought was, “he’s so handsome! But there is no way he is 32. He looks 25.”

So I didn’t hit the match button. To my surprise, he extended the match for another 24 hours. I thought it didn’t hurt to start a conversation with him. So I did.

For the next week and a half, we exchanged messages asking questions and getting to know each other. Then this freckled guy asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him. I agreed. I thought that if he was younger, he’d probably make a good friend but not so much a partner. We had many things in common.

Out of all places, we agreed on Denny’s. We met at the entrance, and the first thing I blurted out was not, “hey, how are you?” or, “how was the drive?” NO. It was, “Oh my god! You’re so handsome!” and made him blush. I think that lightened up the mood, though.

We had breakfast for dinner. Eggs benedict for him and a breakfast sandwich for me. One of the many things we had in common was our love for breakfast. We had about a three-hour-long conversation. We talked about so many things– things that mattered. We’re both English majors, we both like rap (he likes to rap as well), we want to be in the education field, we want children in the future, we want to get our Master’s, we had tough upbringings, but in different ways, and right off the bat he said he was looking for a serious relationship, he was dating to marry.

“I’m going to need to see an ID.”

He took out his ID. He wasn’t joking. He really was 32.

We saw each other for one month straight after that. Yes, every single day. The chemistry was palpable. On October 26th, 2021, he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Not in those words… it was more like, “We’ve been hanging out every day, we have a lot in common, and I really like you. I’m ready to make it official. Are you?”

AND well, here we are. We’ve been each other’s support system through difficult times (the death of both of our dads 6 months apart from each other), as well as the joyful ones (him getting his Bachelor’s degree and me beating cancer for a second time). Almost a year and a half later… We are now engaged, living together, and ready for the next chapter of our lives.

If you’re reading this, Dre… I LOVE YOU. Let the (small/intimate) wedding plans begin!

[Continued from ‘Ambulance’]

The next day, I asked my aunt if I should miss work to be with my dad in the hospital. My aunt said not to worry, that she would go to the hospital to spend time with him and that I could go after work.

I went to work at the high school for my summer assignment, but I couldn’t think of anything else but my dad. So I called my aunt around 11:30am.

“Tía, ¿Cómo está mi apá?”

“Sigue dormido. Pero no te preocupes, ya que salgas te vienes de paso al hospital.”

I agreed to do just that, and I hung up. The plan was to leave work at 3pm and drive straight to the hospital, but five minutes later, my phone rang… it was my aunt again.

“Hello?”

“¿Sabes que? Mejor salte del trabajo. Tu papá pidió verte a ti y a un sacerdote.”

I hung up.

I felt a stabbing pain in my heart, and I started crying because I knew my dad didn’t have much longer to live. I told the principal at the high school that I was sorry but that it would be my last day of work. I said, “I think my dad is dying.”

The principal was very understanding. “Claudia, don’t worry about it. Go!”

I was driving to the hospital and called the nearest church. I remember telling the receptionist in between sobs, “I don’t know how this works, but my dad is asking to see a priest. I think he’s dying. Do I have to pick up the priest? I’m not sure what to do!”

“What’s your dad’s name, and what hospital is he at? Room number?”

“Anaheim Global Medical Center. José Ángel Armenta. Room 416. Can we get a Spanish-speaking priest, please?”

“Yes. The priest will meet you there.”

I hung up.

My dad hadn’t recognized who I was for the past few days. So on my way to the hospital, I prayed that my dad would remember me when he saw me.

I parked frantically and walked to the reception area as fast as possible. The security guard greeted me there and asked me a bunch of questions, but I was too anxious and worried to come up with the answers, let alone the right words.

“My dad’s fucking dying! Give me a visitor’s pass!” He immediately put a wristband on me, and I was on my way to his room.

…..

The priest was already there when I entered the room. First, I looked at my aunt and then at my dad. The different feelings of defeat, sadness, anger, confusion, and love were palpable in that room.

I set my purse down and said, “Apá, ya llegué.”

He looked directly at me, his eyes watered, and said, “Gracias, mija.”

He recognized me! At that moment, I had my dad back. He knew who I was. I cried tears of joy.

…..

After the priest left, family members trickled in throughout the day to see my dad. That last evening with him was memorable for many reasons, moments that will remain engraved in my mind.

However, because of covid restrictions, we were asked to leave at 5pm, but we ended up staying past 5:30pm. My cousin and I were the last ones there. He walked out of the room first. I stayed behind and looked at my dad. I held his hand, incapable of holding back my tears.

I managed to say, “Apá, si ya estás cansado de esto y tienes que irte, vete. No te preocupes por mí, yo voy a estar bien. ¿Si me entiendes lo que te estoy diciendo?”

He nodded. I repeated myself another two times, reminding him how much I loved him. He nodded yes, every single time. I finally kissed him goodbye and said I’d be back the next day.

Unfortunately, the next day never came.

About three hours after we left the hospital, I received the dreaded call.

My dad, my hero… had passed away.

I love you. I miss you every day.

Never in my life did I think I would have to call emergency transportation to a hospital. However, yesterday June 28th, 2022, was the first time.

My dad’s symptoms had increasingly gotten worse. Aside from not wanting to eat for the past weeks, he no longer wanted to take his medications. He did not want to drink anything. He no longer called me by my name. He hardly recognized anybody from the family. At times he was lucid, and when he wasn’t, it was as if he was in a house full of strangers. He was incoherent. 

The day I decided to call an ambulance, it was because my dad had been asleep for over 12 hours. It’s important to mention that he had had difficulty sleeping since his symptoms became more apparent. He would constantly get up throughout the night. That’s why the 28th was different.  

By this point, I had already quit one of my jobs so that I’d be able to take care of my dad more. But I was still working at my summer job at the school district five minutes away from home. I got home from work that day and intended to take him to the emergency room. I had a difficult time trying to get him to wake up. He just wouldn’t open his eyes. He was breathing though. He was alive.

At around 5 p.m, the family and I decided to call an ambulance. My dad had no strength in his legs to walk to the car. When the paramedics arrived at my house, we managed to get my dad to sit up. He seemed so confused, irritable, and incoherent. He stared at us and did not recognize who we were. It was heartbreaking. 

I got to the E.R at around 6 p.m. When I arrived, the receptionist told me that the nurse was not ready yet and asked me to wait another 15 minutes.

“What’s going on with my dad in there? Is everything okay?” I would ask the front desk receptionist every thirty minutes. 

“The nurse isn’t ready for any visitors to come in. Give her a few more minutes,” she said.

It would be another 2 hours before they’d let me in. When I got to my dad’s bed, I understood why they took so long to let me in. My dad didn’t recognize anybody there or know where he was. He tried and succeeded in pulling off his IV twice. He was frustrated. The nurse decided to restrain his wrists to the bed for his safety. I cried. 

I just couldn’t believe that the firm and intelligent man, my dad, was deteriorating rapidly before my eyes. He didn’t want to be there, but we had no choice. I felt terrible. I asked the nurse to please undo the restraints on him. She saw me crying, and I think she felt bad about the situation because she said, “I’ll undo one wrist, but please keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn’t take off his IV.” I agreed to do just that, but he attempted to take out his IV again as soon as the restraints came off. 

I held his hand until they admitted him into a room. He fell asleep, and visitors were asked to leave. I kissed him and whispered, “Te quiero mucho apá. Mañana vengo a verte.”

My dad started feeling sick about two months prior to his E.R visit. He had a lot of joint pain, he felt sleepy, weak, and tired. He had fallen about 3 times randomly at home because of how weak he was feeling. To be quite frank, I thought it was his age. He had just turned 60.

On May 24th, 2022, I asked him to drive me to my job. I noticed that he looked bloated, abnormally bloated. I asked him about that. His response, “I don’t know, I do feel a lump on my stomach though.” I got frustrated because my dad has never been the type to take care of himself. He’s stubborn and refuses to get medical attention unless it’s truly “necessary.” 

“What if it’s a hernia? Are you just going to wait until it explodes there? You need to get it checked out. Today you have my car, go see the doctor” I told him frantically. I think he realized how concerned I was. About an hour or two later he called me and said he was in the emergency room. I told him I was glad he had gone to get it checked out.

Little did I know, he would spend the next three days in the hospital. 

On his second day there, I called and asked what the doctor had told him. He’s like, “Oh the doctor says that my liver and pancreas are inflamed. Once it goes down I’ll be able to go home.” I asked him what had caused the inflammation? “They’re working on figuring that out,” he said. 

When I visited my dad on May 26th, 2022 in the hospital. I didn’t want to face the music but I knew that whatever my dad had he wouldn’t tell me. He’s a prideful man. So after checking in at the front desk, I walked the labyrinth-like hallways of the hospital.

Once in the room, I hugged him. He looked so sad, depressed even. I asked again what the doctor had said. He answered. “I might leave tonight.” I saw a stack of paperwork by the table where they’ve been serving his meals. I sat by his bedside and grabbed the paperwork. 

“Just leave those there. We can look at them later” he said nervously. 

“I just want to see what’s going on. What did they give you for lunch?” I asked as I turned over the first page. 

I saw it at first glance but I squinted my eyes to make sure I read it right.

Medical Condition: Cirrhosis 

I guess my dad’s long-time alcohol abuse had finally taken a toll on his body. I wasn’t surprised. I felt defeated. 

The sentiment was evident as I noticed my dad’s eyes tear up as he answered my question.

“Nada más comí gelatina.” 

He turned his face the other way so I wouldn’t see him cry. 

It was the first time that my dad, the man who although has been an alcoholic, has always been there for me. The strict yet funny man, the indestructible man, and most importantly, my hero, was crumbling and I couldn’t do shit about it.

I have never been diagnosed with depression or any other mental disorder. I’ve never brought up anything of that matter to anyone’s attention. Perhaps it was because it has always been a taboo subject. In my case, we were never told not to speak of such things but it was almost like an unspoken rule. You don’t talk about things that make you seem weak. As stupid as that sounds but that is how I grew up. This is my story. 

I was born weighing 11 lbs 8 oz. I was a big baby. My parents were so proud of that; however, as I grew older it became evident that I was a “bigger” kid as well. I learned how to become “rough and tough” when I attended Wallace R. Davis Elementary School in Santa Ana. Kids were so mean and I knew that once those kids began to see that I was different from them, body-wise at least, they would try to make me feel inferior to them. Soon enough, around fourth grade, the boys in my class made fun of me. They would yell across the playground during recess time, “You’re fat! Get out of here!” or I would walk past them and I’d hear “Ew!” or “Is it an Earthquake? No it’s just Claudia!” and they’d laugh. I didn’t think it was funny at all. My weight has always been one of my biggest insecurities and my biggest concerns. It was so difficult to try and be like them, thin and worry-free. 

It wasn’t until the comments were made in groups that it started to mess with me. I began to shut down, socially. I didn’t want to speak or hang out with anybody. I didn’t want people looking at me. In my mind, everyone thought that I was just this ugly fat kid. After a few months of that, I wanted that to change. Why did I have to be sad all the time?

So one day I decided that I wouldn’t take shit from anybody anymore. I kept up my grades, that’s for sure, I’ve always taken pride in my academics. However, I started changing my attitude toward people, I looked the part. I used my size to my advantage. I became intimidating. I became rough and tough and it worked. 

When boys tried to say something negative about me, I would quickly respond and match their energy. If they started insulting me, I would do it back. If they cut me in line, I would do it back. I wouldn’t consider myself a bully though. I never intentionally sought out weaker kids to make fun of them or anything. Generally, I would only react in situations where I was being made fun of first.

I became popular in school for standing up for myself and I was proud of that. That persona carried on throughout junior high and high school. I was pretty popular for a big girl and I think that people tripped out on that. 

Now in retrospect, I think that might’ve backfired. Adulthood is already difficult. As kids, we feel like we’ll never get here, and then boom! We’re here. I didn’t think that learning to be intimidating, bold, and outspoken would eventually damage future relationships. Romantically, it’s difficult to acknowledge when my partner genuinely compliments me and it’s also difficult to admit when I’m wrong. My attitude changes as soon as I’m told I’m wrong.

 It’s true. 

I don’t take constructive criticism as well as I should because I automatically think people are negatively attacking me, even if it’s not related to my body image. Nonetheless, it reminds me of when I was criticized as a child. Although I have realized this issue in the last couple of months, it is still difficult to change that. I am actively working on taking constructive criticism as exactly that, constructive criticism but that doesn’t and will not take the rough and tough from me. 

In a snap of a finger, both my mom and I were in Mexico. It seemed surreal. On our way there, I asked my mom if she was nervous. She said that she was and that it had been about 20 years since she last saw her mother.

The ride from the airport to the ‘rancho’ was about two hours. At first, the surrounding area was city-like. But as we continued to drive further away from the airport it became a scenic route, more rural. I could see the vivid green mountains full of trees and plants, miles and miles of avocado trees strategically placed in rows on those same mountains. We drove past a few lakes, and fields of beautiful golden corn stalks. I had never seen so much greenery in my life. When I put the window down, the scent of pine trees was captivating. I guess fresh air is not part of that infamous American dream. 

As we entered the rancho. The van began to shake. I looked out the window and noticed that the streets were not paved. It was just dirt and rocks, the same ones that made the van shake so much. Some of the houses that we drove by were made out of wood, others were made of concrete. Although the houses varied in size as well, one thing that they did have in common was the bright colors that they were painted in; bright green, teal, purple, and yellow. Most of the houses had beautiful flowers in their gardens. Orange, red, green, and blue flower pots adorned the entrances to their homes. Multi-colored roses bloomed in this rich farm soil. I saw red and pink geraniums blooming in the flower pots. What struck me the most were the burgundy bougainvillea flowers that draped over the entrance gates to each house. 

Once at my grandma’s house, I noticed that she too had those colorful flowers; however, her house did need some paint. My mom and I hurried out of the van. We walked in before getting the luggage out and my mom called out my grandma’s name. I’ll never forget the look on her face when she saw my mom walk through the front gate of her house. 

She walked out of her improvised wooden kitchen. She was making tortillas by hand and came out holding one in her hand. I remember that on top of her pants and shirt she had a red apron and a black beanie. She heard my mom yell out, “Ama, Maria!”

My grandma yelled out “Que paso?” before stepping out of that kitchen. When she saw my mom and me standing in the middle of her front lawn she stood there with an empty stare. One hand holding the raw tortilla that she was about to place on the comal and the other next to her side as tears ran down her face. By this point, both my grandma and my mom were crying. My mom approached her. They hugged for what seemed like forever. I guess that for them, it was.

Friday, January 9, 2009. A day that I will never forget. 

[I was 15 years old, a freshman in high school at that time and we had recently moved to Anaheim.] Three months prior to this day, my mom had received a phone call from her hometown in Mexico. My uncle Cesario had passed away. He fell into a ditch in the middle of the night while trying to go home. It had rained heavily that day; he drowned. 

I had never seen my mom so sad and depressed. She cried every single day. I hated seeing my mom so sad, she no longer smiled when she got home from work in the evenings. She no longer walked into my room to ask how school went. But I understood. My mother had lost the brother who raised her two boys in Mexico when she decided to come to the U.S in hopes of a better life. It had been years since she last saw him.

A week after my uncle Cesario passed away. My mom was notified that my grandma who also lived in Mexico, had esophageal and stomach cancer. She was 81. She refused chemo. After my uncle Cesario’s passing, there was no one living with her that could take care of her during this time. After this call, both my mom and dad were more quiet, distant from each other and from me.

Then one day, in the first week of January, I came back from school and my mom sat down with me and said, “Claudia, my mom is really sick and there is no one with her to take care of her or keep her company. My mom and Cesario basically raised my kids when I decided to come here. I think it’s time for me to take care of her.” Her eyes watered and she looked away. I knew what that meant. My mom was going back to her hometown and it was not a round trip. She was still undocumented which meant she could not return to the U.S if she chose to leave. 

That same night, after I told my mom that I understood her decision (but was confused as hell) both of my parents walked into my room and my mom announced that after thinking things through she decided that it would be best if I went along with her. “For how long?” I asked. My mom said, “Let’s try for a year. I’ll enroll you in high school over there. If you like it, you can stay longer. If not, you can come back to your dad.” In retrospect, I didn’t agree to it because I thought it was a great idea or that it would work. I agreed to it because I knew what leaving a kid behind and in another country represented for my mom. She had already done that in the past. She left her two sons in another country to be raised by her family. I saw her cry on her son’s birthdays when she called them every year. She had unbearable pain that only she knew of. She carried that weight on her shoulders. Who was I to add on to that pain?

So, about a week later, on January 9th, 2009. I had officially dropped out of high school and my mom and I were in my uncle’s pickup truck on a two-hour ride to T.J. Soon enough, we were on a three-and-a-half-hour flight from Tijuana to Morelia, Michoacan. The capital of my mom’s home state. We got picked up by one of my cousins in a van and drove about three more hours to get to my mom’s ‘rancho.’ The sign in the entrance read Paramuen, my mom was finally home.

My parents met in the states after they immigrated from Mexico. My mom is from a ‘rancho’ called Paramuen in the state of Michoacán, the Western side of Mexico. My dad is from Culiacán, the capital city of Sinaloa, the Northern side of Mexico. I was born in Santa Ana, California and I have fond memories of the place where I grew up. I think the best memory I have is the family bond that we all had in the apartment complex where we lived. In S.A, this apartment building was known as “El Pentagono,” the “Pentagon.” I’m not quite sure why, I mean it wasn’t shaped like a pentagon precisely but it definitely stuck.

I remember that our apartment complex was right underneath the water tower that now reads “Downtown Orange County- Santa Ana.” “El Pentagono” consisted of eight units total. Four on the top and four on the bottom and there was a huge palm tree before driving into the parking lot of the apartments. Everyone that lived in that apartment complex was Mexican. So I began to read, write, and speak fluent Spanish at a young age. We were all one big family. When someone cooked a traditional Mexican dish, those that most Mexicans don’t cook on a daily basis, they would share it with everyone. Pozole, or posole as some write it (pork stew), menudo (beef tripe stew), albondigas (meatball soup), caldo de res (beef soup), and tamales were some of the things we shared in those apartments. On the weekends, I remember all the men gathering underneath the palm tree having a few beers and chatting it up. They would listen to banda and corridos too. The women would sit on a bench that was placed in the middle of the communal patio. They would play loteria, toma-todo, or poker while the children played soccer, tag, rode bikes, roller skated, flew kites made out of plastic bags and strings (hence, my love for kite flying), or played an improvised game of tetherball with a soccer ball in a plastic bag tied around a stop sign. It was also at this location where all the women (moms) taught all their kids how to play their card games as well. We had so much fun! At times we would bet money too. I know it seems like something that probably should not be taught to a 7-year-old child but those are memories that I will always cherish. When my parents and our neighbors got paid they would all pitch in and we would have carne asadas. Each woman would make a dish like rice, beans, salsa, guacamole, marinate the meat and the men would be on grill duty.

I think we all reminisce about our childhood at some point in our lives. For me, when I think about the place where I grew up, there is always something that grounds me and humbles me. My family was not well off. My parents worked hard to put a roof over our heads and food on our table. We lived paycheck to paycheck but we had all we needed. I was happy and carefree and best of all my family was together. It felt like I was part of a loving family unit. The family unit that I never thought would disintegrate so soon. But I’ll save that story for another time.